I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
