she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize