Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
