Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
