Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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