I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
