At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
