So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
