wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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