Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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