my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize