you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
