i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
