I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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