I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
