Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
