and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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