so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The power of my boobs compel you
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
