Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
