I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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