Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
