Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
