Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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