you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I touched a dick in church today
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
