I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
