Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
