my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
