She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
