Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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