i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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