sarcasm needs its own font
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
