she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Maybe he injected his testicle?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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