Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
