You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
