everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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