Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
