Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
