the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
