remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
