Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
