TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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