Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Randomize
