Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize