i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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