Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
