I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
