After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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