Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
