Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If I die, sorry about rent.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
