He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
