My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
