I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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