i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
