The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
