Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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