there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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