Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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