phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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