you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
