I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
