Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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