Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
