I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize