Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
