are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
