Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
