If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
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