Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
