Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
